Friday, April 22, 2005

The "King George Version" Bible

In honor of that upcoming free-for-all fetid festering festival of faux-faith, "Justice Sunday" (another particularly Hootervillian name), or, better yet, "Just, My Ass Sunday", I figured it was a good time to bust out the Good Book. Imagine my surprise when I saw that it was the updated 'King George Version'.

It was a good deal, well, smaller than I remembered. As I leafed through the pages, I couldn't help but notice that entire sections had been ripped out and replaced with hastily-scribbled pages. Here are some of the passages that I thought I was familiar with, but have been revised in the new 'KGV':

And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:

And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

Blessed are the poor: for they deserve it, the lazy bastards.

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall have plenty to mourn about.

Blessed are the meek: for we shall shove our agenda down their throats without a peep out of them.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be S.O.L.

Blessed are the merciful: for they are suckers.

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall have no idea how bad we're screwing them.

Blessed are the warmongers: for they shall be called the freedom fighters.

Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for there shall be no pesky ethics committee to impede them.

Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for there is a vast left-wing conspiracy against you.

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to take away their funding.

For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till the activist judges are removed.

Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called a Majority Leader.

For more enlightenment, check here and here and here...
See you on Sunday!


wanda said...

So, THAT'S the Bible they're reading from! I knew it had to somehow be different from mine!

Alicia Morgan said...

i know - it sure wasn't any Bible I was familiar with! Straight from the Church of Perpetual Entitlement...

Karlo said...

The King George version looks a lot like an updated version that I discussed several posts back.

Perhaps we can collate these updated versions and sell them as the Newer Testament.

gefilte said...

It was all good, except for the Hoolinet That whole site is nothing but liberal crap.

Alicia Morgan said...

Is that you? I hope you don't mind my linking to your site, but I'm sorry - that just rocks! Sure, it's liberal crap, but I hate freedom, so it works for me!

Alicia Morgan said...

Correction for the Liberal Crap Link: