Thursday, August 16, 2007

Shut Up, Newt. Just Shut Up. Please, For the Love of God, STFU.

(update - many thanks to Blue Gal and to Mike at Crooks and Liars for the mentions!)

Why the f*** does anybody give a rat's ass about anything that overstuffed, festering pustule, that pathetic, bloated bag of helium has to say? I use the Google and this is what comes up:

Who cares about what that pompous, self-worshipping blowhole thinks? "Gingrich rips Bush"? Are you kidding me? Gingrich "sickened"? Yeah, Newtie, me too - sickened by hearing your name and seeing your roly-poly squeak-toy of a face on TV and the 'news'. "Gingrich prescribes change for GOP"? Dr. Alicia has got a prescription for you, Newt - take a fistful of Thorazine and STFU in the morning. One of the most ridiculous articles is "Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich Addresses Investors on Winning the Future Under the Next Administration" - chock-full of tasty little Newt-nuggets such as:
--"If you are thinking about the next 20-30 years, barring a major war,the human race is going to continue to get richer at somewhere between 3-5 percent a year unless politicians screw it up."
-- "We are in a genuine world market, whether we want to be or not, and the only thing we're deciding is whether the jobs are in the US or the jobs are overseas. But we are not deciding whether or not there are jobs."
-- "You should calculate on a 4 to 7 fold increase in scientific knowledge over the next 25 years ... that is, we should have 4 times as much science in the next 25 years as we had in the last 25 years."

Come on, now, Professor Newt - did you really say "4 times as much science"? For realz? As if the phrase 'calculate on a 4 to 7 fold increase in scientific knowledge over the next 25 years' is too difficult for the morons you're addressing to understand? "The human race is going to get richer"? Yeah, you mean you and your buddies. "Whether or not there are jobs"? Wow, Newtie, that's deep. Real deep.

By the way, if you haven't picked up on that nifty little catch-phrase 'Winning the Future', don't worry; you'll be hearing it enough soon. That's his exciting new Luntzified™mantra that he eagerly anticipates shoving down our throats. Incredibly, he believes that the electorate will come clamoring to his door, begging for the leadership and wisdom that only Newt, the erudite and far-sighted Newt, can give.

Gee, Newt, haven't you done enough with your "Contract on America"? Do you have to come around stinkin' up the joint again? Aren't you satisfied with pissing in the well of bipartisanship, and destroying any modicum of civility across the aisle? Aren't you content to be a walking, talking sack of moral and ethical hypocrisy? A pudgy, putrid pile of pseudo-pious pontificating? I thought we were finally done with you and your excrescence.

But, noooooooo! Like a cur inexorably drawn to the site of his spew, ol' Newtie is slithering back, slavering for sloppy seconds at the trough. And, even worse, the press is egging him on, giving his ludicrous blather the patina of respectability, encouraging his ridiculous belief that he, and only he, is the American people's choice to lead them in 2008.

Although ordinarily, I'd be saying, "Run, Newtie, run!" just for the kicks of watching him make a complete and total ass out of himself, I wonder...what if, just what if...the fix is in for a Republican victory?

In my nightmares, I see Newt at the swearing-in ceremony - pink, sweaty and smiling that gecko smirk of his, with his hand on a Bible (which immediately dissolves into a smoking pile of goo), while standing next to him is the only man fit to serve as his second-in-command...

Tom DeLay.

I wake up screaming.

"Winning the Future"? You forgot to put the 'Ru' in front of it, Newt.

Please, I beg you - go back to Bizarro-World, where black is white, up is down, good is bad, and you're brilliant, handsome and beloved. We'll all be happy then.

But leave us Americans in Reality-World alone. There's no room for you here.

Update: There's actually a site called ''. I think that's an excellent idea. A few months in the desert heat in camos will do wonders for his figure.

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