There's a new movement afoot in the American Right. Inspired by the rabidly anti-immigration, tirelessly pro-American-worker Lou Dobbs, it's springing up all across America. From the meatpacking plants of Iowa to the dairy farms of Arizona, from the kitchens of New York's finest restaurants to the Salad Bowl of California's Salinas Valley, in hotels, motels, and Holiday Inns all across this great nation of ours, the patriotic men and women who for years have stood by and watched illegal immigrants swarming across the border to brazenly steal their jobs have had enough.
Formerly known as the Minute-Man Movement (or 'Beer Guts Across America'), whose aim was to merely monitor the flow of illegal immigration across the border between the U.S. and Mexico, the troubled group disbanded amid infighting and accusations of internal corruption and financial misconduct in 2007. Yet, the dissatisfaction and frustration felt by these hard-working American patriots has only grown more intense, as they watch job after job after job go to those with no legal right to that job, while they themselves, deserving natural-born citizens, sit at home on their couches, with an ice-cold Coors, a family-sized bag of Chee-tos and a remote in their hands as they wait around for the job that never seems to materialize.
Well, the time for waiting is over.
The time for action has arrived.
Illegal criminals, take notice - Conservative Americans are taking back their jobs!
Yes, from the ashes of the failed Minute-Man Movement, the Gimme Back My Job, Dammit Coalition (GBMJ,DC) has risen, and it has spread like wildfire among conservatives sick and tired of illegals taking the jobs from deserving American citizens. No longer content to wait for the government to do it for them, these patriots have taken matters into their own hands. Now they're doing more than just protesting or watching from the sidelines - they're taking back their Constitutional, God-given right to a job. Suddenly, you see them everywhere - on the sidewalk with a leaf-blower strapped to their back, in the parking lot of your favorite restaurant with the keys to your car or inside, balancing a heavy-laden bus tray full of dirty dishes as they adroitly refill your iced tea glass on their way back to the kitchen. You may find them bent over in a lettuce field under a blistering sun with a rake in their hand, or endangering their limbs with casually-maintained but lethally sharp meat-cutting machinery for fourteen hours or more a day while earning somewhere around three dollars an hour, with no benefits, medical insurance, workman's compensation, or even bathroom breaks.
Most of them say they've never been happier.
"For the first time in my life, I feel needed," says Coalition member Chuck B. Liggett, 70, a former accountant who now works in a chicken-packing plant in Amarillo, Texas. "When the floor boss screams at me for slowing down, I feel a surge of pride because what I do actually matters. Now, I do an honest day's work for my pay, and by the time I collapse on my filthy mattress on the floor of my stinking room at the end of my fifteen-hour shift, I know I really earned that forty dollars!"
And it's not only men who are flocking to this bold new movement. Conservative women are finding satisfaction, fulfillment and a sense of what it feels like to be a real American as they embrace this exciting, energetic new way of life. Darlene Simmons, 47, works in a factory in downtown Los Angeles, sewing elastic bands into men's underwear seven days a week.
"It works out great, because working seven days means that I can save the expense of a car and an apartment - not that I could afford them on my salary," she explains. "I just fall asleep sitting at my sewing machine, and when I wake up, I'm right there ready for another day of rewarding, eye-straining, repetitive-stress-injury-inducing work!"
The jobs bonanza has been beneficial for Darlene's whole family as well.
"We're going back to the good old-fashioned American work ethic that made this country great!" says Darlene. "My kids used to be spoiled, lazy, smart-mouthed and never satisfied. No matter how much stuff we bought them, it was never enough. Now my kids work in the factory right along with me! Even my seven-year-old daughter can sew a button on a fly with those itty-bitty hands of hers - she's pretty handy, considering how she was always so busy texting her little friends! And you'd better believe there's no more complaining - you should see them cry with happiness for a little half-cup of water!"
Not even Darlene's aged, infirm 94-years-young grandmother has to miss out on the fun - when she was fired from the factory for sewing her hand to a pair of extra-large briefs, she soon found work again as a housemaid to the factory owner's wife. With tears in her eyes, choked up and unable to speak for gratitude, Grammaw merely trembled with joy, as Darlene quickly interjected, "They're so good to us here!"
Conservatives are done with talking - now they're stepping up to the plate and claiming what's theirs. All those cushy jobs that the illegal immigrants have been stealing are now back in the rightful hands of natural citizens like Chuck and Darlene. Unemployment? These stalwarts don't know the meaning of the word.
As a wise American patriot once said, "How uniquely American."
5 comments:
This is beautifully satirical. But for the record, Lou Dobbs is not anti-immigration, he is actually pro-immigration, just legal immigration. Judging by this article, I'd say he feels the same way you do about the treatment of illegal immigrants in our country.
I hope that he is. But people like Lou Dobbs need to realize that the business model of the companies that hire illegals depend, not on immigrants, but illegal immigrants, because legal immigrants and American citizens have rights. If your business model depends on such low labor prices, then the only people that you can or will hire are illegals who cannot get medical treatment when they are injured on the job, who must work for wages that are literally impossible for Americans to live on, who are forced to provide fake Social Security cards - which means that none of the money that is taken out of their paycheck for SS will ever benefit them, who can be treated like slaves or indentured servants because if they complain they can be deported.
Unless you are saying that Americans ought to accept the same kind of wages and working conditions on the job that illegals are currently working under, then you are still missing the forest for the trees. As long as the companies that hire illegals have this as their business model, illegal immigration will not change - because the corporations don't want it to! And you are back to blaming the victims instead of the perpetrators.
Hey, Sis, where've you been this past week?
I wish this were true! It's so frustrating that the very people who gripe about comprehensive immigration reform are the ones who hate the people doing the dirty work for them - and who need/want the reform to become legal.
"The illegals are taking our jobs!" Well they want to give them back: http://www.takeourjobs.org/
Not to mention the whole satirical aspect of this article is lost on someone who knows only 3% of illegals do farm work. The remaining 97% take jobs Americans would be more then willing to have at restaurants, hotels,etc..
The author of this article is witty but uneducated when it comes to the topic of undocumented immigration.
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